Unlikely Comforts
by WriterLeigh
Summary: "Thanks for understanding.. for not being mad at me." "You saved our girl's life, how can I be mad at you for that?" A different kind of post-Always fic. Ryan copes with the fallout from his decision. Contains Esplanie/Caskett. Rating may change.
1. Chapter 1

_Hey guys,_**  
**

_I've been pretty much inactive over the last month for a combination od reasons, none of which I'll bore you with. However, you will be seeing A LOT of me over the summer. Specifically 100 updates over the next 100 days, and a combination of current projects and new ideas I have lined up as a result of me accepting a crazy challenge from my friend!_

_This fic will contain both **Esplanie** and **Caskett** but will also focus a lot on how Ryan copes with the aftermath of 'Always.' It's my first time really writing him, so I'd love to know what you think guys!_

_-Leigh_

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**Disclaimer:**

_I'm sure it goes without saying that I'm not Andrew Marlowe, therefore I cannot take credit for the wonderful playground he's created for us fans ;)_

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**Unlikely Comforts **

**Chapter One**

It got to a certain time of night where it was incredibly unusual to see live bodies in the morgue, which was why it startled Lanie so much when she heard footsteps behind her, especially as she'd recently finished her last autopsy. Jumping slightly, she pulled herself together when she caught sight of the person who'd approached, "Jesus Ryan, add ten years to my life why don't you?" She exclaimed, running a cloth thoroughly over the autopsy table she'd been working at and dipping it back into a bowl of disinfectant. "What are you still doing here anyway? Shift finished two hours ago!" The M.E observed, her eyes briefly flicking to the clock before back to Ryan.

"Have you seen Javi?" Ryan responded to Lanie's question with one of his own, looking away from her and feeling uncomfortable under her scrutinising gaze.

Her eyes narrowed as he broached the sensitive subject, because she'd have thought Ryan, of all people would know exactly where she and Esposito stood. Some days they were okay, and others – usually after a late night booty call – it was all they could do to be civil to one another. Today it was the latter. "Not since this morning, why?" She replied finally, biting back a cutting retort and sloshing the disinfectant in the bowl a little too forcefully; causing it to spill over the sides.

Ryan looked defeated and he ran a tired hand through his hair, "I just thought he might have come here, his cell's off, and he didn't go home- " He shrugged, suddenly extremely interested in the pattern of the floor tiles, anything that meant he didn't have to look at her. "I get that he wants to be alone, but I don't think he should be," He sighed heavily, "I'm the last person he wants to see right now, and you- you know him better than any of us Lanie."

Lanie frowned at his words and observed for the first time his agitated demeanour. Something in her face tightened, and a flicker of emotion briefly flashed in her eyes, "Why do I get the feeling I'm missing something here? What's wrong with Javi?" She answered a slight catch in her words, and she didn't look up at him as she started to clean the surgical instruments.

Ryan's eyes widened and the look on his face bore resemblance to that of a deer trapped in the headlights as he realised that give or take the odd crime scene, Lanie would have spent the entire day holed up in the morgue, with no idea of what had taken place. His face visibly paled at the prospect of having to defend his actions – especially when she was armed with sharp implements. "He's been uhm- Gates suspended him," He answered all too quickly as if hearing the facts like that would make them any less unpleasant to hear. "Beckett too- but she resigned instead."

"She did what?" Lanie's head whipped up so fast that if she wasn't currently reeling from his words, she'd have winced at the sudden pain in her neck, "What the hell?"

"Uhm," Ryan started, his eyes never leaving the metal instrument between her fingers, "Can you put the scalpel down first?"

In deliberate defiance of this, Lanie pointed the silver metal instrument deliberately at him, "I swear to God this will be the least of your worries if you don't explain-." Her voice rose threateningly on the words and the steely glint in her expression left Ryan with no doubt that she was more than capable of carrying out her threat.

"Haven't you spoken to Beckett?" He interrupted Lanie's tirade, holding off on the explanation and with a sinking feeling, entertaining the possibility that Kate hadn't confided in her best friend. That until now, the M.E had been left completely in the dark and it meant it had fallen to him to provide her with a Cliff notes version of events.

"I haven't seen her since yesterday," Lanie answered sharply, "Why were they suspended?" Her eyes narrowed and landed on him, now leaning heavily on the table, guilt radiating off him in waves.

"I went over their head; it didn't feel right and I brought their investigation to Gates attention." Ryan admitted hollowly, "It doesn't matter how mad they are about it now, I had to do it Lanie – it was a choice between keeping quiet and saving Beckett's life."

"Saving Beckett's life?" Lanie repeated faintly, "What the hell happened to her?" She demanded, regaining some of her composure, at least until she had the full story. "Ryan?"

"Beckett – she nearly died today," Ryan choked on the words, unable to shake the image of Kate hanging from the roof or the lurch of panic he'd felt as her hand slipped. "She would have done if we'd been any later, she let go Lanie; if I hadn't grabbed her, she'd have fallen from that rooftop."

"Fallen from the rooftop?" Lanie shrieked echoing him, the scalpel falling from her hands and landing somewhere on the floor with a loud clatter. She rarely swore and Ryan didn't think he'd ever seen her this agitated as she rounded on him, desperate for further answers. "What the hell did Kate get herself into this time?" Ryan's eyebrows shot up in surprise because he'd have thought even if she knew the truth, she would have been gunning to blame Esposito, the way things had been between them lately.

"Oh come on," Lanie said exasperatedly, reading his expression correctly and shaking her head. "She may be my girl but we all know she has a tendency to get in way over her head. It was her mother's case, wasn't it?" She guessed, coming to lean against the table next to him. "And Javi, through some damn fierce sense of loyalty let it override anything remotely near common sense and followed her."

"Pretty much," Ryan answered miserably. "She found her shooter Lanie, and instead of making it official they went rogue, resulting in Javi being knocked unconscious and Kate being thrown off of the building." Lanie reached out and grabbed onto the edges of the morgue table for support, and feeling her panic he was quick to reassure her, "They're both fine. The EMT's checked them out at the scene. We got to them just in time, but then they were both suspended – the Captain really laid into them."

"Better suspended than dead," Lanie started grimly, "And believe me, Iron Gates is going to be the least of their worries by the time I'm done with them!" She fumed, her eyes flashing angrily now she knew her friends were both alive. "Kate I get- but Javi; she should have been able to count on him to slow her up, and instead –" Words suddenly failed her as the reality of what they'd gotten themselves into hit her again. "Where was Castle in all of this anyway?" She asked finally. "Why wasn't he with her?"

Ryan shook his head, "I don't know – Beckett says they're done," He offered eventually with a sigh, and they exchanged a look that quite plainly said 'again.'

"Nuh-uh I've heard that before," She said shaking her head in disbelief, as she wondered what Castle could possibly have done this time, that was so bad Kate would push him away - especially when you considered that in recent weeks she'd been all but ready to jump Writer-boy's bones. "She'll take him back."

"Things seem different this time," Ryan told her uncomfortably, "I don't think it was her choice to let him go...You didn't see her Lanie- She looked broken this morning when she told us he wasn't a part of the team anymore. I think Castle walked away."

A frustrated half-scream passed Lanie's lips, "Oh please! God give me strength," She muttered almost to herself. She folded her arms across her chest, "Well perhaps it'll be the kick up the backside our girl needs to actually do something about all that unresolved sexual tension."

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Ryan's features contorted into a look of disgust, "Really Lanie? As happy as I'd be to see Mom and Dad on the same page, speculating about their sex life? It's kinda gross."

The M.E smirked, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'men' under her breath and picked up the bowl of dirty water, carrying it to the sink. "I suppose you'll be perfectly happy for Castle to give you all the dirty details," She teased.

A fleeting grin flashed across his face, but he didn't confirm or deny her accusation, "Lanie?" He ventured finally.

"Mhmm?" She gave a noncommittal murmur but Ryan knew she was listening as she peeled back her gloves and disposed of them in the trash. He waited until she moved back over to the table to finish clearing up, before speaking, "Thanks for understanding.. for not being mad at me."

Lanie's hands came to rest on her hips and she shook her head slightly, "You saved our girl's life, how can I be mad at you for that?" They both felt the weight of her words as her lips curved up into a smile.

Ryan managed a weak smile in return, "Yeah well, I did what I had to do." He shrugged, silently wishing that Esposito could have taken a similar line, but grateful Lanie had affirmed that he'd done the right thing. He knew he had, and that - God forbid - he ever have to make that decision again, he'd do it in an instant but now when he wasn't in the face of danger, it was becoming all too easy to dwell on the repercussions.

"Well all I can say is thank God at least one of you had a decent head on his shoulders." There was a pause and Lanie glanced across at him knowingly, before continuing, "I can't claim to understand Javi sometimes but I don't think his anger is because of what you did. It's about what he failed to do, he feels guilty and he needs to hold someone else accountable. Kate nearly died today because of their sheer idiocy and I don't think he'd ever forgive himself if you hadn't been there to save her ass."

"Neither would I," Ryan said wryly, suppressing a shudder as for the hundredth time that evening, his mind began playing out the alternative scenario on loop. It really didn't bear thinking about, but no matter what he did he couldn't seem to stop it filtering seamlessly through the chambers of his brain.

"Don't think about it anymore," She said gently, almost as if she was reading his mind. "Get yourself home to that wife of yours Kevin, you look beat," Lanie told him, briefly resting a sympathetic hand on his shoulder and squeezing before returning to the task at hand. "I'll finish up here and go check on Javi."


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author Note:**__  
So it's been a year since I've worked on this story. I did always intend to come back to it before now but that never quite happened... and here I am finally with an update._

_It's waaaay shorter than what I'm sure you're used to reading from me, but I just wanted to see if anyone was still interested in this story. If so, I'll post an update for this in a couple of days or so._

_I hope you like guys- and I apologize for the delay._

_Read. Enjoy. Review._

-Leigh

_PS: I'm also doing my friends crazy 100 updates in 100 days challenge again (of which I failed dismally on day 3 last year) so wish me luck - and prepare to see lots of inbox spam. XD_

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_**Disclaimer:**__  
I make no money from the writing of this fic, so clearly I'm not Andrew Marlowe - I wish I had even a fraction of his genius ;)_

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**Unlikely Comforts**

**Chapter Two**

"Javier Esposito! I know you're in there!" Lanie ground out, furthering her point by banging loudly on the door. "Javi, open the damn door! You and I are going to have a little talk and I'm not leaving until we do so you might as well - let me in." The end of her sentence died on her lips as the door swung open and a shirtless Esposito stood scowling and leaning against the doorframe.

Lanie's eyes scanned his torso, quickly assessing his injuries; several bruises and scrapes and a cut right on his collarbone. She moved past him into his apartment, "by all means, come on in," He said pointedly, letting the door shut with a louder than necessary bang, before following her through into his lounge. "Drink?" He offered, already moving towards the fridge.

"I didn't come here for a drink," Lanie started, and Esposito just shrugged, reaching for another beer of his own. "Like that's going to help."

Esposito glared at her, "Was there something you wanted?" He practically growled at her, "Because I was kind of in the middle of something."

Lanie snorted derisively, "What? Drinking yourself into an early grave, burying your problems in a game of Madden? Cut the crap Javi, because you're not fooling me. I know you, and I know you're upset."

"Upset?" He let out a bark like laugh, "Angry yes. Upset no." Lanie's eyes narrowed and by the way she looked at him, Esposito knew she wasn't convinced. Uncomfortable under her hostile glare he turned away from her, "We're not having this conversation."

"Oh no, you do not get to just brush this under the carpet.. and this whole self pity thing may work a little better if you hadn't just tried to go all James Bond. What the hell do you think you were playing at? You. Could. Have. Been. Killed." She punctuated each word with a hard jab to the chest with her finger, "Kate nearly was."

"Don't you think I don't know that?" Esposito shot back, defiantly meeting her gaze but there was something in his expression that caused Lanie's eyes to soften slightly. "What were you thinking?" She asked again, but her words didn't contain any of their previous venom.

"What was I supposed to do Lanie? We were this close to catching the son of a bitch." He slammed a clenched fist down on the coffee table and the sound reverberated through the apartment. The twinge of pain that soon followed instantly made him regret it. "If we'd brought it to Gates, the first thing she'd have done would be to take Beckett off the case!"

"Maybe that would have been the best thing for her," Lanie supplied, her words met with a stony silence, "Oh come on Javi! Kate- I get it, she was always going to lose perspective on this - and I'm all for loyalty but when it's putting yourself in stupid-"

"Damn it Lanie," Esposito snapped, interrupting her tirade. "I'm a cop, dangerous situations are pretty much a job requirement." He cracked open the tab on his beer and took a large mouthful.

"Dangerous yes? Reckless and downright irresponsible no - and look where it's got you. You're suspended and Kate has resigned. She nearly died chasing this thing, and you still didn't catch her shooter. Was it really worth it?"

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It was late that night when Ryan quietly let himself into his house, soaked through to the skin and shivering violently. Despite Lanie's reassurances he hadn't been able to shake off his guilt or face going home. He briefly toyed with the idea of going for a beer but after they day he'd had, doubted he'd be able to limit himself to just one or two. So he'd walked; left his car at the precinct and just walked, with no real direction as to where he was headed.

A part of him knew that he should check in with Jenny, or at least reply to one of the messages she'd sent him but he couldn't quite bring himself to do that either and so his phone remained firmly in the pocket of his slacks.

The house was thrown into darkness, apart from the kitchen; he could see the crack of light escaping from beneath the door. He pushed it open and found his wife sat at the table, hands wrapped around a steaming mug of hot chocolate. He opened his mouth to apologize, but closed it again, seeing the tension visibly drain from her face.

"Kevin thank God," She breathed, jumping up from her seat and - not even caring that he was drenched from the storm - grabbed him in a fierce hug. "When you didn't answer your phone I thought-" Her voice broke, "I tried calling Javi too."

Ryan's arms tightened around her and he could feel his eyes starting to burn at the mention of his partner, tears of relief and sadness clogging up his throat and blurring his vision. "Don't Jen-" He choked on the words, his hands tangling in her hair and pulling her closer towards him. He buried his face in her, just breathing her in and trying to restore some sense of balance to his equilibrium.

"What is it baby?" Jenny whispered, feeling the dampness of his cheek against her skin, and drawing back to look at him, chasing away the trail moisture with her thumb. "What happened today?"

Ryan shivered involuntarily from the cold, although maybe it wasn't just the cold- he shook his head violently to rid himself of the silent movie happening in his mind. Jenny didn't say anything, only began to unbutton his shirt. "Come on," she said finally, "I'll run you a hot bath." She peeled the wet material from his torso and let it drop to the floor, her hand slid down his arm, enclosing around his larger one. She gave him a gentle tug to get him moving.

He'd settled in the bathtub and Jenny was going to leave him with his thoughts but he caught her hand on the way out, "Please stay?" His I don't want to be alone went unspoken but there was a catch in his voice and Jenny nodded, pushing the bathroom door shut.

She let go of him only to unzip her pants and to lift the shirt she was wearing over head before joining him in the tub. She settled in between his legs, her back pressing against his torso; the weight of her body against him more comforting than anything she could have said just then. Jenny seemed to sense this because it was a while before she finally spoke, "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked, her voice carrying in the silent room.


End file.
